you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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