tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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