Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
