Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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