What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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