hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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