Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
