I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
