So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
