i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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