Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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