Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
