you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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