I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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