Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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