I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
