That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Pants are for mortals
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
