I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I AM VODKA MAN
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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