plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
