Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
