omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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