Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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