i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
