i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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