hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
