i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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