She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
