When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
it's like heaven, but drunker
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
