i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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