idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
