My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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