Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
