Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
