Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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