look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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