I just pynch a tree in the face
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
