My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
