her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
