a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
