I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
