you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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