Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i think i have two assholes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
