I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
