Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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