I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She told me I should be a condom model.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
