I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
