Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
