Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
