Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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