She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
