All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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