I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
