Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
