remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
