Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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