Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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