i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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