My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
