I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
